Hi everyone. I'm back with my craziness. Hahaha.
I just came back from the June holiday in Solo. Well, not many things have happened during my stay in Solo.But i've got the significant ones to tell you all. My mom opened "Kantin Puas" and, thank God, it's been so crowded with people eating the special menu: Nasi Bakmoy, Ayam Pedes, Tite, etc.Those are Indonesian cuisine, my favourite is Nasi Bakmoy.
Anyway, I got something to tell you about Erick.
After months of being single and strong enough to get rid of all the "broken-hearted-ness",all the strength i got seemed to wash away..
On my last day in Solo, Eka, Erick's older sister, visited my house. We chatted for a while, then she was asking me whether she could take me somewhere around Solo, since I haven't been out with my friends at all.I was kind of considering it cos i knew my mom was so busy with her new business, but I really wanted to go out with Eka, and hear more about Erick.
It turned out that my mom allowed me to go with Eka (my relatives were all there to help out).On the car, we chatted more about each other's lives. Then Eka started talking about Erick. She told me he just got a surgery. It was to take out the metal thingy out of his broken hand (he got it last year in an accident). So I decided to buy him something.Eka asked me, well, it was more like tempting me to go to her house to see him. I thought, it would be embarrassing to be there, cos i'm no one. But i just still have that feeling that made me want to go there. So in the end, Eka took me there with a packet of Breadtalks in my hand.
When i reached her house, he was sleeping. Eka was like shouting to make Erick wake up. She asked Bella and Fanny to wake their brother up. He didn't want to wake up at first. I guessed he knew it was me. His irritating and embarrassing ex-girlfriend.Then his mom appeared from the room. Oh gosh, it was the most awkward moment i've ever had. So anyway, she was like, err, smiling to me, asking me things like when i came back to Indo, blah blah blah..Then she went to Erick's room and woke him up. I think he was like arguing with his mom, well, quietly, cos she was quite long inside until Erick really came out.So he did come out of his room. When he saw me he just said "hey liss" and i just replied "hey". He continued to talk to his mom for a while.Eka kept saying like "talk to Erick", but i just couldn't say a word. I caught a glance of him a few times. I couldn't decide on how i actually felt that time. I didn't know whether it was pain or happiness. I was really happy to see him again in great condition, but it was also a pain to remember that he's not mine anymore.I'm prettty sure that i looked really dumb there, cos i just couldn't say a word to him. I only talked to Eka and Erick.Well, i couldn't make it longer, so i asked Eka if she could take me back home. Eka asked Erick to bring me downstairs (the living room was on the second floor). Oh gosh, it was killing me. We walked and talked like we just knew each other, like nothing has ever happened before! Well i didn't have the courage to say lotsa things.I was too mesmerised to see him again. He asked me when i came back and we talked about some of our old friends. It was really killing me. We used to be good friends, and that wasn't how we used to talk.it was just too formal.
Kay, after that point, there isn't really much. So i jumped to the point where i can't stop thinking of him. Since that day (it's only been 2days though), i can't get him out of my mind. Wednesday night, my last night in Solo, i couldn't sleep until like 1 or 2am, although my flight was in the next morning. It doesn't stop there. My first night back in Sg, i dreamt of him. i felt really dumb to tell you all these, but trust me, it was a really good one!i wish i would never wake up. Until now, i just can't get him out of my mind.
Am I losing my mind? i still want him.
pls help.
P.S.
thanks to winona for support. i feel better. and sorry if the use of language is so messy, cos i'm in a mess myself.
¶ 12:06 AM 0 Comments
*sigh* at last.
We have our CNY holiday!:D
I know it's not so long but i think it's really a perfect time to revise and to rest.
I've been too busy with school stuff.
I joined student councillor and netball school team, and we're having tournaments.
so far we have won 3 matches. i thank God for these victories.
this is why i've been so tired and lost in class. especially in science classes. :P
somehow i'm happy with my busy-ness. i wouldn't have to remember all the pain.
erick broke up with me. it was on 13th of Jan.
i wasn't crying like mad, but of course i felt so upset and hurt.
he said he can't stand a long distance relationship. and he wanted to be alone.
i thought that was really it. but my friends said it doesn't really sound like he's being honest.
my friend told me that he's got some other girls' pics in his phone. i knew about it, cos i saw one when i went out with him last december. i told him to delete it, and he said "Ok ^^". so i thought he really deleted it. i don't really know whether he really deleted it. Moreover, my friend said that when they all found out that there were some other girls' pics he was like panicking, scared-looking. perhaps he was scared that all those ppl who saw the pics would tell me. why would he be scared if in the end he was the one who ended all this?
that's one fact. another one was that this friend, heard from the other friend.so erick told the other friend:"Kliatannya aku suka ma cewe itu(censored), apa Lisa aku duain aja ya?"(sry i had to use indonesian cos i don't know the term for "duain" in English)
although i don't know whether he really did say this, i'm so hurt. but there's nothing i can do.
few days ago, he was online and i asked him whether we could still be together. he said we couldn't. i asked him what would happen if i went back to indonesia and study there(cos he said he can't stand a long-distance relationship), and he told me it was still gonna be the same. he wanted to be single. then he admitted that he still loves me but it's just that he wanted to be alone. he said he can't take care of me anymore cos he's very busy in school. he told me all his bullshit. i actually begged him so that we could still be together. but he said he couldnt. if he stayed longer it would just hurt me more and that he should have told me that everything would have an end. perhaps he thought i wasn't serious with this relationship. so i asked him why would he even bother to care about me in the beginning?why wouldn't he let me down if he didn't want to hurt me more later?does it make sense?
a lot of ppl told me he just doesn't want me anymore. and it's driving me crazy. i'm trying my best to stop thinking about all his non-sense. but it's so difficult. i don't know why everything that i see, i heard, i have, always reminds me of him. At first i could understand why he would break me up. But slowly, i can feel the hatred raging inside me. each day, i feel the stronger desire to smack him in the face.
oh gosh. it just hurts so badly. actually i've got a lot to tell you all, ppl. since it's too painful for me, i don't think i'll be able to survive after writing it. it feels like being stabbed right at the heart. my heart always pounds painfully whenever i start thinking about him.
i really hope he read this entry. i just wanted to tell him that he stiill has my heart and that if he wants it over then he has to return my heart.
i also hope that he will regret doing what he has done to me.
ohh
that's enough for today. can't stand the pain anymore.
tell u sth, after he broke me up, my friend told me that i became wild. i love rock songs now. more specifically i like punk rock like avril's. and my favorite songs right now are "My Happy Ending"(it's like it fits everything!argh*) and "Freak Out"(I'm trying to let it go..). Check this out.
My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
Freak Out - Avril Lavigne
you know sth, it's a funny thing that after i posted the lyrics of My Happy Ending song on my blog, he broke me up. err it's not really funny though. *sigh*
btw i've got an extra video for you all to watch. it really helps me to relax you know. relax as in forget about that stupid betrayer. it's from Iiro Rantala New Trio. Check this out.
ok i think that's all for today. i'm already very tired. physically and mentally. btw, just for some random information, i like dream theatre too! hahahas :D i seriously need to forget all these right. *sigh* ok then nites everyone.
ROCK ON~~ ¶ 11:33 PM 0 Comments
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real..
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say...
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,
That's when I decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...
You, you need to listen!
I'm startin' to trip,
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone...
Am I just some chick you placed beside you,
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face..?
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay..
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,
thats when i decided...
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm startin' to trip
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
Cryin' out loud
I'm cryin' out loud
Cryin' out loud
I'm cryin' out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
and here's another one
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oooooh....
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
[Pre-Chorus:]
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it (but we lost it)
All of the memories, so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending (Oh oh, oh oh)
Oh oh, oh oh
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they (So are they)
But they don't know me
Do they even know you? (Even know you)
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do (All the shit that you do)
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
[Chorus:]
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending...
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
And we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
so,yeah,these two songs would actually describe what's happening now.i'm getting sick and tired of being the one blur,waiting without any changes..
but i still can't let go of him..
i just don't understand him..at all..
*sigh*
let's see how long i can take this pain. ¶ 2:10 AM 0 Comments
I just arrived in Singapore yesterday night!
the flight was horrible. I was super2 sick.
and it affected me today, first day of school.
it was so tiring. and i had CCA. urgh. i'm very tired now.
i'll tell u everything later on,
i just wanted to show u all this:
i've watched it, but that time in my city they don't have twilight on. so i bought the pirated dvd. hehehe. but i don't want to be called 'fake' fan, so i'm watching it on cinema tomorrow!:D lucky they still have it on cinema in Singapore.
i think that's all first, i really need to sleep. my head's spinning!
nites everyone.
*mwah*
:D ¶ 10:28 PM 0 Comments
